Into the junk

I can trace my fear back to hundreds of occasions when I got not quite what I wanted. Like eating tons of junk food when all I wanted was fresh home made dinner. It meant I did not do the right thing but what is worse, I did a bad thing instead.

My mom got me a small poodle when I was ten. I remember I wanted a German Shepherd and tortured her with my whining for months before she came up with this so-called "compromise". I did not even give him a name. I spent what felt like a decade walking the ridiculous ball of fur around the block, trying to hide so none of my friends could see my humiliation. I never really took care of him and one day he was gone. My mom had tears in her eyes when she told me he had found a better home.

The education I got was not quite what I wanted, I did not get the grades. The jobs I could apply for after that were nothing like my dreams. I wanted to be someone that faded away each time I looked in the mirror. "You are not quite what I want either!" were the words my last girlfriend shouted at me before she stepped out of the door and left me for good.

I have a fear of wanting. I only dare think of what I "do not want" but still keep on bumping into it anyway.